I found this post I had written but never published from two years ago, and since it made me laugh, I thought I would share with you today. Recently while visiting my son ………….. My… More
Twice now, that is twice I have been nominated for an award in two months, granted it’s not the Nobel Peace Prize, it’s not the Academy Awards- but it’s damn close in this Blogger world.
Okay, it’s not really close, but in my mind it’s like winning FREE ice cream for life, and that my friends is like a dream come true.
I would pick the Mint with the Chocolate chips, which one would you pick?
If your not interested in hearing tiny little details about me that you may already know, or really don’t care to know- you have my permission to close your browser now.
WAIT, I was just kidding- don’t leave me!
The rules are as follows:
- Thank the person who nominated you, and tag him or her in your post.
- Thank you Lulu!
- Answer the 11 questions asked of you.
- Nominate 5-11 other bloggers (ideally with 1000 or fewer followers), and inform them of their nominations.
- Create 11 new questions for your nominees to answer.
Here are the 11 questions I have been asked to answer
-What is your favorite season
Easily Fall, the crisp temperature’s , my favorite sweatshirt and boots, the best sleeping and walking weather ever and getting ready to hibernate for the winter. All my favorite things.
If you won the lottery and never needed to work again, what would you do with your time? Would you still want to work even if you didn’t have to?
I would travel to a few spots I really want to go, but then I would buy my dream house and spend my time decorating it, landscaping, gardening.
Pretty sure it would look something like this
What is your favorite way to pass time or relax on a Saturday afternoon?
I can’t remember the last time I relaxed on a Saturday afternoon, but when I do, I will read, watch a good movie, cook, take a walk, clean. I love to be in my house, it is seriously my favorite place to be.
Do you have any pets? What kind?
No, No pets. Can I just leave it at that? No, no because that would not be me. I am a neat freak, I LOVE to clean, it is my therapy- honestly if I have a particularly bad day I can work it out in my head by doing laundry or organizing a closet. Pets are dirty, they leave hair and dirt and dander and slobber EVERYWHERE, I can’t deal…I just can’t.
Where is your ideal weekend getaway?
I live in Wisconsin, well on the border of MN and WI, they are both beautiful states but if I could go anywhere for the weekend I would pick the North Shore in Minnesota, Two harbors or farther north. It is one of the most beautiful places to be in my mind and holds thousands of some of my most amazing memories.
Are you more of a city person, country person, or somewhere in between?
Country, I spent summers growing up in Iowa,and my school years in Minnesota , I feel more comfortable in the country by far than in the city.
Do you have a favorite television show? What is it?
Don’t laugh, but right now it is Married at first sight. I love this show, I think people could learn a lot about relationships from this show- I know I have!
What was your favorite subject when you were in school?
It always makes me laugh when people ask that question, because if I were to answer honestly I would say ” I didn’t have one”. I spent more time in detention or the smoking lounge than actually sitting in a class room. BUT… If I had to pick one I would say Creative writing. If you want to know more, you can read all about my High school years here.
E-reader or old-fashioned book?
Old Fashioned book, something about having it held in my hand, the feel of the paper, putting a book mark between the pages, having it sit on your bedside table, sharing it with people when your done reading it. No comparison for me.
Have you ever taken a road trip? Where did you go? What was it like?
Yes, and I love them. However, I have not taken any long ones, I have gone to Iowa, The north shore, Canada , Wisconsin, Illinois. My favorite road trip was the first solo trip I took to Iowa to visit my Dad’s grave site a couple years after he died and while I was in the middle of a divorce from my second husband.. That was the most healing trip I have ever been on.
What is one piece of advice or wisdom that you hope your future self never forgets?
I know it feels like you will never get over it, but I promise you will get over it and it will teach you things you will use for the rest of your life. You will never be the same, but that my dear is the point.
I must now nominate
5 , make that six bloggers for the same award- I won’t nominate the same one’s I did last time, because I believe in spreading the love around, not literally, but in blogging fashion.
I actually made it my mission in the last 24 hours to find six new Blogs to follow, and I am intrigued by all of them, hope you will take some time to check them out.
And for the last part of this award the ELEVEN questions I ask of my Nominee’s are:
- Where were you born and where do you live now
- What are you reading right now and would you recommend it?
- Name two of your favorite movies
- Name an Album that played a significant role in your life and the year it was released.
- How did you come up with the name of your blog
- Your favorite part of the day? Morning/ Afternoon or Evening
- Your best trait
- If your best friend were to try to describe your personality to someone , name one word they would use
- Your favorite place to read a book
- The best vacation you ever took, where was it and with whom
- How do you drink your coffee
That is the question I asked six women recently from age Twenty to Seventy.
Before I get to their answers, my plan is to do this every month, a new question, new answers, a glimpse of the future, a reminder of the past. I hope it will help us, Perhaps it will steer us to make better choices in the future, maybe it will remind us of what used to be and help us be thankful for what is now.
Different women will answer the questions every month to give us different perspectives and keep their identity’s anonymous.
It’s going to be a WILD ride with this group of women who have been gracious enough to answer with honesty and courage. Some answers are lengthy, some very short, some are very serious ,some will make you howl with laughter , some will take your breath away and make you weep. I did not steer their answers or edit them , they are untouched, unfiltered and raw. I have picked women I respect with every fiber of my being to participate in this:They are survivor’s and warrior’s of their own lives.
They are my Steel Magnolia’s.
October 2016 – The First Question
Name something you used to have in your life, that you miss now.
I imagine that the thing, or things rather that I used to have in my life, that I miss now are things or a lifestyle of the past if I may, that all parents can relate to, at least until your child reaches that magical age where they are self-sufficient and can accomplish tasks like making a meal and doing laundry on their own. And perhaps you are a parent who still has your 32-year-old offspring living in your basement and unfortunately they are still incapable of doing those said tasks on their own, and to you I say I am very sorry to hear that, I wish you the best! But for all the newer parents, the moms and dads of the baby, the toddler, or the elementary school child, most of us are still in an ever-changing transition period between life as a 21-year-old college kid drunk on a carefree life of leisure and a job we don’t intend to keep for long and being a 29-year-old parent working full-time with a full time spouse and full time kids and full time house payments and full time grocery lists. The early years of parenthood can be really hard, really challenging, really eye-opening, and the sacrifices you have to make may at first seem impossible and downright shitty, but eventually we realize it is all worth it. Every night we choose to stay in and watch Disney instead of go to the bar. The weekend we choose to go pumpkin picking with the family instead of fishing with the boys. Your perspective changes. Your mind changes. You love new things. You see joy through the eyes of someone 2 feet tall and suddenly the neon lights at 2am don’t seem all that great anymore.
Being the mother of a young child has definitely taken a toll on my social life and most definitely my free time or “alone time” is a phrase often used to describe what parents are missing. Every parent’s time is taken up by a multitude of things, and depending on your child’s age and activities you can expect that the things you used to do, that once made you who you are and things you considered fun will be replaced by new things that define you, and will hopefully bring you new kinds of joy and excitement. My weekends that were once filled with staying out til bar close, laughing and joking with friends til the wee hours of the morning, sleeping in til noon, and lounging freely all day are now filled with the laughter of a tiny human, reading the same books over and over again, soaking spaghetti stained clothes in oxiclean, cleaning up Cheerios from every nook and cranny of the couch, and trying to keep tiny tot from destroying my home. And although my new role as Mom is one of the most rewarding and amazing experiences I have ever come to know, I still miss things that I used to love. I miss things I used to do, people I used to see, and places I used to go. I miss not having to worry constantly about the health, happiness, hunger, and well-being of a baby. I miss drinking wine with friends and cracking beers on pontoons for days on end over a holiday weekend where I only had to pack one bag of clothes and some chips haha. I miss being able to hold an adult conversation with a friend and not be keeping one eye, one ear, and a hand in reach of a child. I miss spending money senselessly on random crap at Target and Homegoods where I could spend hours and not feel guilty about it. I miss only making dinner for 2, and eating that dinner while it is hot and eating it whenever we felt like it, like I believe 11pm is an acceptable time for adults to eat dinner if they do so choose haha. I miss spending an hour on my hair and makeup without fighting someone tossing tiny bits of TP into the toilet. I miss having my own personal space and bubble without being touched and hung on all day. Sometimes I wish that nobody relied on me for anything and I could just go, and do, and be whatever whenever and then come home and sleep for 15 hours for fun. I miss being invited out for things (a dinner, a happy hour, a shopping day), I assume that my friends assume that since I have a child I am not fun, or that I don’t have time, or that I just simply can’t go anywhere. I miss being able to do things spontaneously, without having to worry about a nap time, or a skipped meal, or packing a diaper bag and booster seat and extra clothes and a sippy cup of water and toys to keep tot occupied and 400 other things. There are days I just want to turn off my Mom brain for a little bit and feel what it is like to just be free of stress and worry, close all the tabs on my brain’s browser and see where it goes from there. I miss being the only object of my spouse’s attention, the way he used to look at me, the way we used to be together and talk and cuddle. I miss laying on the couch for an entire night watching shows with him. I miss date nights with my dear husband and being able to sit down and actually talk to him without getting interrupted or being so tired that sleep sounds better. There are so many things that have changed that on a good day I don’t care about all that much, but on a bad day I’m really angry and frustrated that I can’t have back.
I love my new role as a parent and I would not trade it for anything in the world. I am adjusting slowly but surely to the way life is changing all around me. I accept that things will never be the way they were before and I’m learning to love the new me! I do have my moments where I miss the old ways, the old me, the care free life I used to live, but when I look into the eyes of my little baby and hear the laughter and see the smiles, and watch the excitement of learning new things and exploring the world, I know that I am right where I am supposed to be. Doing exactly what I am meant to do.
My time will come when I will look back on these tough times, these days of toddlerhood where I am so overwhelmed by all the things I have to do and all the things I can’t go do and wishing that I could just have a free moment to even think for myself, there will be a day I want this back. When I’m home alone, with my dear husband, empty nest, kids away at college, busy with their own lives, kids married with their own babies – now as busy as I am, all consumed with life as parents – I’ll wish I had my own babies back. I’ll wish I could hold them and make them dinner and wash their little socks and onesies. I’ll wish I could wipe their little noses and kiss their booboos. I’ll wonder why I complained about sleepless nights or the toddler that only wants to be held and cuddled and sit on my lap all day. The hard things will become the things that I miss. It is hard to see things in that way now, but I try. I stay positive. I hug my child. I kiss my husband, knowing that one day we’ll be back to where we once were. That one day we will be able to focus on us again and although we both know and value our love and relationship, fully aware of how important it is that we make time for ourselves and our marriage, there are days now where it slips our minds. It makes me sad, it makes me cry, it makes me angry and feel like I am not doing a good job at wifeing, but we will fix it. This I know. Because I know that eventually things in our busy life will settle down, and we will be able to be fun parents hanging out with our friends again. We will be able to stay up late and have a few beers, we will be able to go away for the weekend and not worry that a perfectly good nap schedule is going to be completely destroyed. We will have an easier time leaving the kids with a sitter and going out to dinner or a movie. Those days will return, and some of the things that I miss now will be back in my life. But until then, we will watch our babies grow. Watch them learn and love and find new ways to enjoy the beautiful life we have created. The best is yet to come.
I miss being immune to all the awful crap the world has to offer. I liked being so sheltered from all the bad stuff. Now, I feel like I worry too much about the worst case scenario. I also miss the ability to drink without being hung over for an average of about 48 hours. Alcohol and I used to have a mutual respect for each other, but now she’s just a huge douche-canoe that likes to punish me for for having even a couple of cocktails. Along with that, I also miss having a fast metabolism. That donut I just ate? It went straight to my ass and made me gain 10lbs. Why can’t I just eat an entire bag of cool ranch Doritos and not have to go up 5 pant sizes?
The shallow answer:
My birthstone necklace that my Mom gave me for my 40th birthday that was stolen.
The deep answer:
My security. I miss a time when I didn’t worry about everything. When life was moderately carefree.
I felt secure before my Dad died. Before he died I didn’t think about death. I didn’t worry about growing old and losing my spouse because hell, we were all going to live forever. Only “old” people died and I figured that I would deal with that reality much, much later. The thought of being alone never crossed my mind. Until I watched my Mom have to face it.
I felt secure before 9/11 and terrorism. I used to travel to some pretty incredible places. I was fortunate to have a friend who loved to travel too and was in the “business” so we could do it on the cheap. I never considered that I could be overseas visiting a historical place, walking down a street or having a pint in a pub and that I might be a target just because of my nationality. Now when I travel, I am always aware of my surroundings. It dims some of the excitement of seeing new places.
I felt secure before we faced financial ruin. After losing our business and almost my home, I don’t know that there will ever be enough money in my savings account to make me not worry. Finances literally make my chest hurt. I can’t tell you how many nights I laid in bed worrying. Which of course makes me want to stick my head in the sand and ignore things. Which makes me worry even more. Viscous circle you say? Why yes, yes it is.
I miss having tight skin around the outside of my vagina.
Nooooo one ever told me that Gravity is a mean bitch!
I miss my dog, but worse than that I still hold on to the guilt that I could have done more to save him, I was making bad choices in my life back then, and that particular night I was out with that bad choice, I still wonder to this day- had I been true to myself and been at home would I have had been able to save him?
I miss my health, when you lose your health you lose everything, and I have lost much with it. A job I loved, The condo I lived in and owned for twenty three years. I miss the security of my life before those losses.
I miss a time before death took the ones I loved and certainly a time before it took an infant from our family, that is the most tragic loss in life and impossible for everyone affected to move on from .
I will tell you this, Life is a series of beautiful rainbows and ugly , sometimes tragic detours. The road we are given to take has to be walked, whatever our circumstances are. I have been mightily blessed and often not- It’s everyone’s story, everyone’s path . When I was young I often wished I had a crystal ball so I could see into my future, now I thank heaven I didn’t.
What is to come, will come, we all must live in the present and follow our path to the end, we owe it to the generations before us and all that will follow.
I will end this with something one of these women said that had a profound affect on me and I think sums up exactly why I want to do this every month.
“I’ve just now starting to talk about things in my life that I have pushed so deep inside. It’s freeing to know someone else has been on the same journey…I was always afraid of judgement.. guess what…we are all human .“
*****WHAT DO YOU MISS?*****
I believe in soul mates.
I believe there are people you are meant to meet in this world.
That your souls connect instantly – Far before we can judge someone on economic status, IQ, or political views. We are already bound to each other, like some cosmic connection happens that is almost out of our control. As if we have known each other forever, long before we ever physically met.
And you meet those people at all ages, as children, as teenagers , as adults.
When you do , it’s like standing under the midnight sky and catching a falling star.
In a world that is falling apart at the seams, I think it’s more important than ever to hold on to those we have connected to , the ones we call ” our tribe”, the ones that for whatever reason, at whatever time in our lives- we met and we connected with.
So many terrible things are going on in the world as a whole, and in our own personal lives.
Sadness, anger, loss, illness, violence. We don’t trust each other, we don’t believe in the good, we have lost our dreams and our vision.
We are searching for the meaning
We get lost in the shuffle
We spread ourselves to thin
We run ourselves in to the ground trying to be perfect, trying to succeed, reaching for something bigger and better than what we have right now.
And then I see pictures like this and it breaks my heart wide open
It reminds me of the only thing that matters in this life
A connection like this, where all the stars aligned , and gave us a gift.
“SOUL MATES”- That’s all that matters.
When you find them, your heart knows, at any age from four to Eighty Four.
Sometimes, just sometimes everyone else gets to see it – like I did in this picture of my granddaughter and her best friend .
More connections like this.
That is what the world needs.
As Sally Fields once said: YOU LIKE ME, You really, really like me!!!
Okay , so one fellow blogger does at least : David over at Occasional Dreams
And one person admitting that they like you is okay, as my Mother always told me , “You can’t have everyone like you dear, but you can have some very important people like you and that is even better.”
That was really very Generous of you to nominate me !: Daily prompt Generous
So thank you David, I won’t even hold it against you that you have the same name as my ex-husband, I didn’t even think about it really, but for that one fleeting moment when I used my inside voice to say ” WHY , IS EVERYONE’S NAME DAVID, FOR THE LOVE OF BROWNIES, WHERE HAVE ALL THE FRED’S GONE.”
SORRY, rant over.
Here are the set rules I must abide by, because I always follow the rules, Okay mostly just when I want to , OKAY, I never follow the rules, but you have to start somewhere right?
- Show the award on your blog.
- Thank the person who nominated you.
- Share seven (7) different facts about yourself.
- Nominate fifteen (15) blogs of your choice.
- Link your nominees.
Seven Facts about me you might or might not know:
- I wanted to write a memoir , which at the time sounded like a task way out of my reach so I have started it in bits on this blog. You can read about it here
- I ended up writing mostly about my Divorce , and sharing more feelings on this blog than I have with anyone in person to date .Learning to breathe underwater.
- I think the biggest reward in life is being a Grandparent, even though I may not be that good at it. I was once a good Gamma, wait do I even have kids?
- As of the last month my 74-year-old Mother lives across the hall from me, I will let you all know soon if this was the biggest mistake of our lives, or the greatest gift…I have a feeling it will be a mixture of both. ( LOVE YOU MOM)
- I love to read, Non-fiction…I never read fiction. There was that ONE time, when I read A million little pieces and thought it was a true story, but it ended up all being smoke and mirrors. It was still a damn good book, and not the first or last time I had been duped into believing someone I should not have.
- I work in the Transportation industry and have for 26 years, this is me basically saying forgive me for my truckers mouth, and now you know why sometimes I sound bitter, most little girls don’t dream of one day being a broker for a trucking company while dancing around the kitchen in their TuTu’s…I am no exception to that rule. I wanted to be an Attorney. ( I will dedicate a chapter in my book I have not written yet to failed dreams, no worries).
- I don’t understand people who treat their pets like human beings, I just don’t. Don’t judge me. I do however want to someday find a man who treats me as well as all the rest of you treat your pets. True story. Honestly people, I never even color coordinated my Kid’s birthday party’s AND my dog had to sleep outside.
And the NOMINEE’S ARE:
Follow the links at the bottom of this page if you want to discover some really great bloggers, that will make you reach deep in to your gut and come out either in hysterical bouts of laughter or in a corner crying ( by crying I mean sobbing with boxes of kleenex by your side , while snot drips down your nose).
Some may help you understand that of which you don’t understand now, some may literally change your life, and some are just damn good escapes from the real world…and who doesn’t need that?
But don’t walk on white carpet after using a Sharpie marker to draw on your feet. Just Sayin.
I need to leave this place I stay, where darkness beckons and loneliness plays.
Where the only voice I hear is my own.
This place where all my demons breed.
Erupting with volcanic ash, leaving my brain to resemble the chaotic aftermath of an out of control brush fire.
My brain’s last fight between what I want , what I need to say and the ultimate surrender to the uncertainty of everything I feel.
My place of self-destruction
Silence, the most dangerous of places I stay.
In the silence, in the background, in the gray.
I sit across from ex-husband number 2 at breakfast.
The waiter says ” It’s really cool that you guys get along so well”.
My ex laughs and says ” It wasn’t always like this, there was a time we couldn’t be in the same state as each other”.
I say: ” And that is when we were married”. BADA BING
I moved back to “our” town, the town I moved to with him six months after we met. I moved back hoping this town would be big enough for the both of us to live in, when I moved back we were on the once a month speaking terms. Once a month when either I or him had a ping of a memory and texted it to the other. Or once a month when I would take his number off BLOCK on my phone.
And here we are three months later having breakfast together , talking about each other’s dates coming up in the future. It’s surreal and a place I never thought we would be , there was so much anger, regret, sadness, blame. I had so many feelings where he was concerned I was a never-ending mess of splattered colors on a piece of paper.
What? What the hell does that mean?
Here is a tutorial :
Within a space of 30 minutes at any given time in the last 4 years my emotions where he was concerned went something like this over spilling cup of colors.
They slurped over each other in a matter of minutes, and at the end of a memory of him I was a messy blob , a puddle on the floor, unable to decipher any color, shape or form of the solid color I used to be.
Now, we are having breakfast, and laughing and telling each other our deepest darkest secrets like we did when we first met, I don’t know when this happened, it was gradual, him coming over to hang a picture, him stopping over after work for a beer, us going somewhere together, us visiting old friends together.
It’s the same as it used to be : but totally different.
We are not married, We don’t own a home together, We don’t live together, We don’t sleep together, We are not intimate.
We have a past, We struggle with trusting each other, We have both hurt each other beyond explanation.
We have nothing solid that holds us together, We have no life ties that force us to communicate, no kids, no home still mutually owned, no shared bills.
I still love this man
I love the way he makes me laugh, I love the way he makes me think outside of the box I usually trap myself in, I love how still after all this hurt and all these scars and all those years I thought I never wanted to see his face again, that he still brings me comfort.
I love him not as my spouse, but as my dear dear friend. And I am so thankful I have this place in my heart where he resides the way it is now.
I still struggle
I struggle when we talk about the past, I struggle when we are somewhere in a room together and I look over at him and I remind myself he is not my husband anymore, I still struggle when we talk about dating other people . But I am suprisingly able to let it go quicker, and to look at the whole picture, instead of the simple frame we are in right now.
Most of it is gone
The Anger, the resentments, the worry, the hurt.
The other night we were sitting on my patio drinking a beer and we both commented about how happy we are that we can both be friends,( actually we were honestly just giving each other dating advice, which to most people would be all sorts of weird, but for us it’s who we are and we wouldn’t have it any other way) ….and I said to him.
This, this is all I wanted for the past four years- to somehow get back to a place where we liked each other again, where we trusted each other again, where we laughed together again. Because as bad as it all got, and it got bad- I always remembered why we fell in love, even when the ugliest of our personalities came out over the past four years, I still remembered how beautiful we used to be. I can still hear people say we brought out the best in each other. I wanted us to remember ourselves, the way we used to be as individuals when we felt worthy and good.
And then a cardinal flew by us, the cardinal that shows up every time he is over and flutters past us singing- a sign of his Mother who passed the year after we met.
And we smile and say” Hi Lynn”…..and I sigh, and I think about the lessons this man has taught me, the changes our marriage and the loss of our marriage have made in me. I think about how we will never be the same, how I will never be the same.
And then the lesson all comes together….all my colors previously splattered all over the floor….all my life lessons up to this point in my life.
Fifty years of wondering what it all means, what it will all look like when it all finally teaches me what it was supposed to. How something so torn and broken and separated can heal, and repair and put itself back together…not the same, because it’s not supposed to be the same, life is supposed to change us.
And I realize
My messy colors
The branches of my life
Have come together
And I see this picture
A rainbow sitting over a tree, the weathered and torn branches that still somehow hang on, each branch representing a time when I was broken, frayed, split.
Where the branch stops, that was the end of that particular lesson in my life.
And a new branch forms, supported now by the foundation of the past ones that have stopped growing, and my past takes the brunt of the weight it allows the new branch to reach for the rainbow, to grow upward and onward. Almost Weightless it reaches out for the sky.
And part of my life lesson comes in to view
The pot of gold doesn’t lie at the end of the rainbow, it lies within every color it took to form it.
Follow the yellow brick road
You can follow this road from the beginning if you wish by starting here:
Follow, Follow, Follow, Follow the yellow brick road.
That was the song my Mom was singing as she held my hand and the hand of my brother that fall as we skipped along in the grass near silver lake. A huge contrast to the Mother I was forced to leave behind half a year ago…but I was a child at the time, I knew nothing and asked no questions, it just was. The last time I saw her she was sad and crying and now I have been plopped back in to the life of the Mother I knew best, Outgoing, gregarious, social, funny, beautiful. I would have followed whatever road she sang about or invited me on as long as she was on it.
I have almost 30 drafts of pages written or half written that I never published, I go through them sometimes and they spark something…like this very short one did- so I am sharing.
It’s been four years next month since I left my husband, it’s been four years of the longest goodbye ever.
I will go months not talking to him, texting him, emailing him, and he will do the same and then when the tide turns, or the moon rises a certain way we reach out from the darkness and connect. A simple I miss you grazes across my phone and months ago it would put me in to a tail spin for weeks, now I let it enter my heart and leave in one sweep. I accept it for what it is, a moment of weakness, of vulnerability, those moments we all have when we are breezing through our days and a memory visits us and wants to stay for the afternoon.
I let the memories sit now, invite them for coffee and then tell them kindly they must leave, they don’t live here anymore.
I can’t let them fill the space they used to.
I am preparing for new visitors who are somewhere out there preparing for me and I must not let the memory’s of us fill my space forever.