I’m worried that the Instagram algorithm will take over my new relationship.
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For today’s edition, we delved into the Slate archives and unearthed questions sent to Prudie from 2020. We asked today’s columnists to weigh in on modern-day sensibilities.
Dear caution,
I’ve been on several dates with a wonderful woman who I really like. We’re kind of talking about exclusivity, but there’s one problem: She’s an Instagram influencer of sorts. It’s not a bad thing. (She lives a minimal-to-zero waste lifestyle, and shares techniques on how others do it; she also designs clothes she’s made herself from recycled materials.) In fact, I really love how intentional she is with her lifestyle. But it makes me a little anxious when I hear the word influencer associated with someone I’m seriously considering dating. Should I care more about how this manifests itself in our daily lives, for example, the time you have to spend on photo shoots? Should I be worried about our future – what happens if she gets banned from Instagram, or loses popularity and no longer has a source of income? Or should I be more concerned about the ethics of this? I’ve heard a lot of annoying things about the Instagram algorithm, and I don’t know that I’d want to be with someone who actively takes advantage of that.
-It is unethical to date an influential person?
Original reply:
Dear Immoral,
I’ll happily admit to relative ignorance of the troubling details of the Instagram algorithm, so I won’t pretend to have any experience there. Search for details within yourself: Are you “squeamish” because you have certain ethical objections to your social media photo shoots, and if so, what are they? Or are you “too sensitive” because you think social media is embarrassing or trivial, or you think her job (I don’t know if that’s her only source of income or not) isn’t important? You’ve only been on a few dates, so you’re getting ahead of yourself by worrying about our financial future; Let her worry about her job for now and focus on learning more about her likes and dislikes, core values and personality traits, favorite meals, etc. You are free to express ethical reservations about her work and decide not to ask her at a later date. If you decide it’s an insurmountable disagreement, but I can’t generate it for you. Regarding whether making a living by modeling homemade fashion and DIY strategies online is a “lapse in values,” I have to ask you again: whose values, and which ones?
From: Dear Prudence (August 11, 2020)
Advice from the future:
Yeah, I don’t really understand this. What is the problem? Reading between the lines, I think the LW is less concerned about practical matters and more concerned about the “influencer” seeming superficial or unserious. Maybe they wanted someone with a more traditional career. Who do you know? Whatever the case, dating is about determining how a person makes you feel, and “sensitive” isn’t one of those reactions that suggests you take things to the next vacation.
-I was born
Dear caution,
My husband is a little obsessive. The irony is that he doesn’t take much care of his health – I can’t tell you the last time he ate a vegetable or drank a bottle of water, and he has so many health issues that he won’t see a doctor for. He has gone to a therapist and psychiatrist in the past for anxiety but has stopped seeing a therapist and is not taking the anti-anxiety medications the doctor prescribed. Now he is very nervous about the coronavirus. We have a closet he’s loaded with canned goods and masks, he refuses to use public transportation (we only have one car, so that’s a logistical concern), and we recently got into a fight because he asked me to stop touching my face. I have some nervous tics that involve touching my face without realizing I’m really doing it. I also have glasses that I routinely push up. I told him I would do my best but asked him to try not to be arrogant about it. The conversation deteriorated into an argument where both of us were assholes to one degree or another. What is the right balance between sympathy and polite indifference in order to preserve my sanity?
-Coronavirus is harming my marriage
Original reply:
Dear hurting my marriage,
We all try and fail not to touch our faces. As long as you wash your hands regularly and don’t chew your nails after shaking hands with strangers, you’re a good coronavirus citizen. (Please stop hoarding masks.)
In terms of how to interact with your husband, I would apologize for what it means to be “more or less an idiot” and tell him you want to reconsider the coronavirus conversation. You can talk through public health experts’ recommendations, which basically means washing your hands regularly and staying home as much as possible (this should help on the front burner). Then let him talk about why he thinks he needs more than that and how he thinks he should handle it. It’s possible to be sympathetic about his anxiety without rearranging your life to accommodate it, especially when he doesn’t show a desire to adjust his life to manage it better. I don’t think this conversation will solve everything, and I don’t think your husband is likely to be able to do much right now about what you seem to think is a broader issue. But I hope you can make some progress considering that tensions may continue, given the amount of time we may all spend isolated with our loved ones. So I also recommend coming to an understanding about what you can do if you’re getting on each other’s nerves – like spending time in separate places for a few hours. good luck!
From: Dear Prudence (March 13, 2020)
Advice from the future:
I completely forgot about the “don’t touch your face” part of coronavirus. I’m not Dr. Fauci, so don’t quote me, but I think the thinking was that you want to avoid picking up the virus on a surface and then putting it in your eyes or nose or mouth. But if you’re sitting at home, and you washed your hands the last time you came in from outside, you should be good to go. Regarding public transportation, that was March 2020, and I think the fear there was more reasonable. This letter really highlights one of the strangest and most disturbing things about the time: everyone was processing a massive, life-changing event that we had never encountered before, and a lot of mental energy was being devoted to determining the right way to think and feel about it. He. She. I remember editing an article in which a group of public health experts were asked what precautions they planned to take when seeing family on Thanksgiving, and they were all over it! How afraid should I be? How careful should I be? How should I feel about people who come out differently? They were very fixed and exhausting thoughts, at the time of writing this letter and for a long time afterwards.
Even now, as I write this, there is a spike in coronavirus cases where I live, and I was just wondering if I would pass on indoor activities to my toddler. Part of me says we’ve been vaccinated and we should live our lives. I also know that I’d want to get rid of that part of me if I found myself caring for a sick child while also getting sick a week from now — and even more so if anyone in my family joins the many others with long Covid.
In any case! I completely agree that (very understandable) anxiety and close quarters combine to cause stress for this couple, and I ask the letter writer to make the mistake of taking her husband’s fears seriously – again, this was March 2020 and the fear of death was a safe haven. Something very real and reasonable. But she should also remind him that there’s no point in surviving with full lung function if you’re also miserable, and ask him not to ignore the health of their marriage while focusing on his own physical health. “I’m going to try to catch myself before I touch my eyes and ask you to try to catch yourself before you attack me” might be a good start.
-I was born
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Dear caution,
My friend of two years lost her job at the beginning of the pandemic and has been on a downward spiral ever since. With plenty of extra time on her hands, she has been diving head-first into a variety of conspiracy sites and social media profiles. She used to be fairly mild-mannered but seems to have become more conservative overnight. A few weeks ago, she began “protesting” mask wearing by intentionally not wearing her mask in public. This is technically legal — our state is not one of the states with a statewide mask mandate — but I was angry. I couldn’t believe how selfish and ignorant she was by ignoring science in favor of her “freedoms.” I moved temporarily because I was so angry.
Well, she contracted coronavirus (to no one’s surprise). She recovered quickly and seems to have seen the light…and wants me to come back to live. She says she now realizes how wrong she made for not wearing her mask, and has even deleted all of her anti-mask friends on social media. I just…I can’t get over this. I’m horrified by her recklessness and, to be honest, very concerned by how quickly she’s gone from normal person to conspiracy theorist who is putting her health and the health of others at risk. But now I feel like an idiot for breaking up with her while she is recovering from coronavirus and is unemployed. She also claims that her delving into conspiracy theories was a result of her depression caused by unemployment. Brody, I can definitely confirm she was depressed. Which makes me feel bad about breaking things up now. What should I do?
– My ex flouted the rules, and now he wants me back
Original reply:
My dear wants me back,
If breaking up was conditional on both parties feeling good and performing well, almost no one would break up with anyone else. The fact that your friend now realizes that she was depressed at the beginning of the pandemic means that she should talk to her doctor and try to schedule a consultation with a therapist, psychiatrist, or perhaps both — not that her ex is somehow obligated to reunite with her because nothing she said or did While she was depressed, it was “considered”. You don’t owe someone a romantic relationship just because they have or have received a new mental health diagnosis, and it seems clear that you are no longer romantically interested in this woman. Wish her well in her continued recovery, but don’t move back in just because you feel guilty.
From: Dear Prudence (September 15, 2020)
Advice from the future:
“If breakups were conditional on both parties feeling good and performing well, almost no one would break up with anyone else.” Thank you! This is a point that will be as relevant in 2050 as it was in 2020 and in 2024 because a certain type of truly empathetic person doesn’t get it. I would add – and I bet this ex-Brody would agree with me – that becoming conservative overnight isn’t just one of those things that happens to the best of us. A lot of people are struggling with mental health issues, and a lot of people have had a really hard time during the pandemic. Not everyone chose this particular deep dive. And I think your girlfriends’ tendency to do this says something about her that will inevitably come up again if you stay together.
-I was born
More Brody from the 2020s
For nearly 10 years of my marriage, there has been tension over my husband’s refusal to stick to a budget. We make enough money for a comfortable lifestyle plus retirement savings, but my wife enjoys shopping for it, and every month she spends some of the money that should be put toward retirement. We are now far behind in our retirement savings to be able to retire at 65, which was our original goal. We have experienced advice, discussions and collaboration on budgets. Nothing worked.
