I can’t stop thinking about someone I went on one date with. Now it is taking over my fantasies.

I can’t stop thinking about someone I went on one date with.  Now it is taking over my fantasies.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. I have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear how to do it,

Newly single after a 20-year marriage, he was completely sexless and emotionless in his last decade. I recently went out with someone and it was clear that there was a mutual attraction. This was my only date in 16 months of being single. We were a little intimate, but we both wanted to wait to move on to avoid rushing things. But life passed and we were no longer able to see each other due to other requirements.

The problem is that I think about this person all the time. All the time. I want to have sex with them. I want to fall in love with them. Months have passed. I appreciate getting that spark back. On the other hand, I have to stop thinking about them. I’m tempted to give up my newly improved masturbation habit because it makes me want it more. Helps!

– The obsession needs to go

Dear obsession needs to go,

I recommend another date or 12. It’s so easy to get caught up in one spark, but you can find that spark again with someone else. You keep thinking about that person you can’t have, but you don’t have anything else to fill that void. I think dating more people can help you figure out if your obsession with this person is actually personal or if you’re just drunk on luxury. If it’s the latter, that’s great: dating and the attention/comments that come with it can be very tempting in and of themselves. So get out there, if nothing else, it will be a good distraction for you.

However, thinking about that person you can’t have will diminish over time. I don’t think you should give up masturbation, since you’re getting better (I’m not sure exactly what that means, but I can guess and I’m happy to take your word for it). Also, good masturbation can make you ready for the next person you find yourself wanting to have sex with. It’s basically keeping the machine lubricated – which is very important.

Dear how to do it,

I’m a man and I was a nude model in the 90s. My photo is on several websites, and I mostly show it with women. I haven’t designed in almost 30 years. But recently a photographer contacted a friend of mine who didn’t know I used to design this way. Their communication wasn’t specifically about me, just about my friend’s hair and how she wanted to gift some of the images that inspired my friend’s hair.

The photographer does not know that I am a friend of this poet. She (the photographer) also added a hyperlink from my friend’s site to her own site! She doesn’t ask me for money, and I don’t feel like I’m being blackmailed. I just don’t know how or if I should tell my friend. I also don’t know if my friend has seen my photos. To make matters worse, my boyfriend is also a good friend of my wife. Not sure how to handle this.

-Drowning in confusion

Dear confused person,

There are too many open questions here for me to definitively tell you to acknowledge. I’m not sure what the circumstances are in this dynamic He was Requires disclosure, for that matter. I have been modeling nude for three decades. It’s in the distant past, and there was nothing wrong with it in the first place. Since your time in the body modeling industry, we’ve seen the rise of online porn, tube sites, and creator-based subscription services like OnlyFans. Each step along this path has destigmatized this type of work a little more. The stigma has not been completely eliminated, of course, and we would certainly expect older people to be less involved, as a whole, than younger people because that’s how progressivism generally works.

Objectively, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe your friend saw your penis. If she’s still friends with you, she’s not judging you for that or your decision to propose. We are You’re ashamed, though? That this bothers you after so many years suggests that you hold some sort of negative feelings toward work that I assume you engaged in for good reasons, work that (let me say that again) is not inherently wrong or unethical. If you have a therapist, you may want to bring this up for some exploration.

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Dear how to do it,

Everyone’s bodies change as they get older, and I thought I was ready for it. In most respects, uncontrollable! But my boyfriend and I are both 25 and going bald. It was about two years ago. He makes him look like his father (someone I deeply dislike) but he can’t help it. He also plays it constantly and refuses to shave the rest of his hair. I understand that his aesthetic choices shouldn’t be made around me, but I’m bothered by that. I wish he would invest in professional care for it (expensive but within our budget) or shave it and stop complaining about it. I’ve tried hard to be neutral and support different options whenever the issue comes up, but I’m tired of the topic and outlook.

Is there a subtle way to bring this up and settle the conversation? How about any good porn of bald men where they don’t all look like bikers or wrestlers? I’m trying to retrain my mind by following hot bald men on social media, but I haven’t found them yet in porn.

-Trying to be better

Dear try to be better,

Try to approach this in a generous tone. “It saddens me to hear you harping on yourself. Why don’t you try shaving off the rest?” It’s probably better than “Your partial baldness is a bone-killer.” You can even offer him your earrings. However, my hunch is that giving up completely willingly would be tantamount to admitting defeat and he is not yet ready to do so. Muster all the patience and compassion you can, aging can really suck.

If you want to approach it from a perspective that focuses on your experience, you may be able to get there through the analogy with the father. If he knows you don’t like his father, and I assume he does, I think that’s a pretty strong argument for trying to convince him to shave his sides. No matter which method you use, I don’t think you should approach this thinking it will be settled with one conversation. Convincing him to try shaving can be a process.

He’s a grown man, so your frustration is understandable, but in my experience, a lot of what makes a man sexy is the way he acts. It goes beyond aesthetic. Maybe part of what’s going on here is that he’s carrying his insecurities and you’re responding negatively. If so, it may be helpful to help boost his self-confidence. There’s no guarantee that this will work, of course, and that’s largely his job to deal with, but encouraging him (even complimenting him) can provide you with a renewed kickback.

I don’t know if your plan to “retrain” your brain will work by itself, but you can certainly try. I developed an attraction to certain genres after watching porn, although this was always unintentional – I’m not sure it’s something you can actually do within yourself. I assume you’ll come up with a lot of performers who look like bikers and wrestlers, because whatever you consider to be hallmarks of these types (think some toughness and/or muscle) is popular in porn. I’m not sure if that rules out guys like JMac or Johnny Sins, they’re pretty big. You can also look into gay porn, people like Drew Sebastian and Rhyheim Shabazz might do that for you. But I can’t help but spit here – Googling “bald porn stars” or “bald gay porn stars” will give you plenty of options that you can pursue according to your taste. In this regard, just googling “sexiest bald men” can cast a wider net for your potential lust.

-rich

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