I wasn’t going to post this, but then I spent the weekend with my friend of 38 years and we had a discussion about this, and although she feels not exactly the same as I do about Middle age, we touched on some similarities. So I am sharing it for her , for myself, for all you middle-aged readers out there who are feeling the same.
What I love most about my friends is they remind me that, all we really want in this life is to feel understood. We want to tell someone something and have them say, ” Oh my gosh, I feel the same way.”
We are not alone. The four words in the universe, that always save us.
And so….my thoughts on Middle age.
I don’t understand why everyone told me I would love middle age. I don’t understand the people who love it. This is supposed to be the ‘best’ time of our lives, and yet this is the time of our lives when we lose everything.
We lose our children, we lose our spouses, we lose our health, we lose our minds, we lose our emotions, we lose our friends, we lose our family members. We just keep loosing.
When we are young we gain everything, we meet our spouses or people we love and we have children. We buy houses and cars and we fill them up with everything. We have jobs, we have friends, we can’t keep up with our social calendars. In fact we have SO much that we often complain about how we can’t keep up with it all. We need a break, we need to figure out a way to divide our time between everything and still have some left for ourselves.
AND THEN- we hit middle age and it’s as if we are on top of a mountain and everything and everyone we love starts falling off. Eventually , here we are stuck ALONE at the top of the mountain it took us our entire lives to climb.
It’s lonely up here. There is nobody to reach for, nobody to catch you if you fall. Just you standing at the mountain top , screaming at the top of your lungs ” NOW WHAT?” The only thing you hear is the echo of your own voice repeating the same sentence over and over again. Now what, Now what, Now what?
We strive to feel anything like we used to , the emotions we used to complain about, the roller coaster ride of the hormones , now we have nothing. I don’t know if I even know how to actually feel anything anymore. Good, bad or indifferent. It’s as if someone sucked all the emotion right out of me. I feel nothing.
When I was younger I use to say I would give anything to not ” feel” so much, now at 51 I would give anything to have even one of those emotions back.
When I was younger I felt as if I was chasing my dreams, I loved the struggles, the plateau’s, the setting of goals , the reaching them.
Now I feel like a hamster on a wheel, going round and round and round with nothing out in front of me to grasp. Just another day on the wheel of life. What am I running for?
I can put a roof over my head now, but the important people I really needed it for back then are grown and gone, and so it doesn’t feel as important. I can afford a nicer car now, but it’s just me those four doors are protecting, I really needed it back when the kids were little. I can furnish my house with real furniture now, back then my kids ate on a card table with outdoor chairs.
This all feels so backwards, everything I needed and wanted back then, I have now and don’t have the need for. All the things I had back then, the emotion , the drive , the dreams, the goals. They have been stunted and stomped on and I can no longer bring them to the service.
All that time I once wished for when I was young and busy, …I have now , but now feels more like a prison cell than freedom.