I used to be such a romantic, such a reach for the stars and lasso the moon type of person when it came to love.
Give it all I got, all of me or nothing…. in fact all of me was not even enough, I would dig even farther to find more to give the one I loved.
With stars in my eyes and a song in my heart I was like fucking snow-white. Flutter here. Flutter there. Whatever my partner needed, wanted , desired I thought it was my mission in life to provide them with it all.
You want my heart, my soul, my body, my time, my mind? You got it! And just when I don’t think I have anything left to give, I will dig deeper for more, give you some of what I have already borrowed from my empty bucket.
I thought that was what love was, to give yourself fully, completely.
I loved until I was dizzy, like I had gotten on the Merry go round at the playground and just kept spinning until I couldn’t take anymore, and I flung myself off. Ended with skinned knees, my face plastered in the dirt and my world completely off-balance.
Now I realize that love is to give OF yourself fully. One little word added, changes the entire meaning, changes the picture, changes the colors, changes the outcome.
To give OF yourself fully, to be open to give of yourself, not to give your whole self to someone else. To love someone doesn’t mean you need to place them on a pedestal , sprinkle their life with stars and orbit your entire self around the center of them.
I can’t give someone all of me anymore. I save those pieces for me now, and when and if I find love again , I will slice off only a bit of what I have to give and share with someone else.
It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, it should truly be somewhere in the middle: In the comfort zone, where I give some to you and you give some to me. When you get weak I pick up the slack and vice versa. Give and Take, slow and steady.
Like the See Saw at the playground, that’s how I want to love next time.