I suck at letting relationships go.
I am that girl, that girl that decides to jump off the cliff and end them, but then on the way down, I grab the ledge and hang there endlessly. Leaving me stuck somewhere between jumping and using all my power to pull myself back in to the standing position.
And then… I realize I have just left myself to hang in limbo- F O R E V E R.
I have held on to bad relationships for far too long, ones I know that are bad for me, ones that bring me harm, ones that bring me pain, ones that make me question my sanity.
In fact up until about five years ago, I refused to let anyone go. I thought it was my job to make it right, to see the purpose, to continue the story all the way to the end.
And then I ended my first story.
I had been friends with a women for twenty years, our children grew up together. We celebrated the holidays at each others homes. We worked together throughout the years. We were bonded and bound together through life experiences. People would often tell me that our friendship didn’t make sense to them, she was a bit rougher around the edges than me. Much more outspoken than me. Let me just say, life left her jaded.
I knew her before life kicked her ass. I met her as a meek mother of one who was anything but confident. She was married to a man who had emotionally beaten her down and left her feeling as though she was nothing. She was soft and sweet and vulnerable. Her husband would later build their dream home together and then leave her for another woman. Leaving her alone with two babies and surrounded by the walls they had built together, that now held her prisoner.
She closed her heart, leaving few instances where she would let someone in again to risk what had already happened to her. I saw that, I knew it, I still held her in my heart as that wounded but lovely, gentle, woman I had met long before her life story wrecked her. I never saw her any other way, I never judged her for the way she had become, because I had been there from the early chapters of her life story and had followed the change through the whole book.
That is why I stuck with her….for all those years. UNTIL I started to not see the first chapter anymore, I started to see only the last few, all the reasons I loved her started to fade from my memory and were replaced by the darkness that enveloped her now. I became more uncomfortable around her, I started to avoid her phone calls, I started to recognize that when I was around her my anxiety would crawl up in to my throat. I started to feel this feeling that my life would be better for me if she was not in it anymore. AT ALL.
And I realized I could just end our story here and walk away from it, the story didn’t have to be never-ending.
That was the first relationship in my life I had EVER cut all ties with. And you know what, it felt good, it felt empowering, it felt like I was taking care of me for the first time in my life.I was putting my foot down, I was making a stand for myself, I was choosing my destiny, I let go of my fear of what would happen if I let my hand slip from cliff and I let go, and I survived the fall. I was re-writing my book.
I still have a hard time letting go of people who I think may not be good for me , but are good people that deserve chance after chance after chance. I still hold on to the guilt of possibly hurting that person, or the fact that I already have. I still think, well what if they still have a place in my book?
BUT now, I realize this is my book, I get to write it- the characters don’t have to seamlessly stroll from one chapter to another, you can just write them out. And the beauty of that is you leave room for new characters to enter the next chapter.
NOW… When I know a relationship is bad for me, when the anxiety starts to suffocate me , when I feel worse after I am with someone, or horrible when I am with them, when it just doesn’t feel right in my life- I have the power to pick up the pen and write :