My weekend isn’t turning out the way I had planned, I was supposed to go visit a dear friend of mine and spend time in her magical home with her and her hubby…but life had other plans.
A couple of days ago my Low brake fluid light came on and when I took the car to the shop-the brake fluid was indeed very low, so last night I drove to my sons house so he could take a look at what was going on..and I won’t lie, I started to feel a little sad that I was going to be alone this weekend, about how different my life is now compared to how it used to be .
I miss when the kids were little and our lives were busy , we hustled here and bustled there, the noise, the getting everyone ready and that moment you walked out the door feeling you had accomplished something. Everyone together dressed in their best, with dreams of Turkey dinner dancing in your head.
I miss driving home after the festivities, the darkness , the snow falling, the kids asleep in the back seat, reaching over to take the hand of the one you love and had created this life with.
I miss being married, waking up groggy eyed next to someone, crawling quietly out of bed so as not to disturb their slumber. The morning cup of coffee alone before they joined you for the day.
Being alone is easier when you know it is only for a little while.
And then I got to his house and this happened.
My son took my car apart to look for the problem while I sat at his house with my Granddaughters. I watched the 7 month old crawl for the first time , held her in my arms just to hold her, to breathe in her scent, listen to her coo and try to mimic my words, her eyes sparkling at the wonder of everything.
I watched and giggled loudly at the three year old as she said the word booty and then doubled over in laughter each time the word escaped from her mouth.
We went for a drive in my son’s truck and I listened to the three year old from the back seat say ” Gamma, look at the star.” The one lit up from the telephone pole , and I looked at it through her eyes, how big it was, how it lit up the road, how it sparkled. And I sat in the front seat and reached my hand to the back to take her hand and felt her squeeze it. I mean I really FELT it, as her tiny grip got stronger when my hand fell in to hers.
I watched my ex-husband cold , tired and hungry from a ten hour day, come home and crawl under my car with my son to see what exactly was going on. And fully appreciated the fact that that they both care about my safety and would take the time out of there hectic lives to help me.
While my son put my tire back on , my ex-husband wiped the grease off his hands , the 7 month old cooed in her car seat as I held my hands over her ears to muffle the sound of the tools. While I picked up the three year old to give her a kiss goodbye and she looked into my eyes and said ” Gamma, I want you to stay with me .” I told her I wanted to stay with her too, forever and always , for the rest of my days I wanted to be with her.
I have spent my morning sending and receiving texts and emails to and from the people I love. I received a phone call from a couple of girlfriends sitting around drinking coffee and bailey’s and felt like I was right there with them in their adventures so far this weekend.
I have laughed and I have cried happy tears, I feel loved and missed and wanted and appreciated.
I love back and I miss back and I appreciate back to them so that they never forget how very grateful I am that they are in my life.
I am not alone, so far from it.
My life means something, For that I am forever grateful.
Sometimes whispers of Thankfulness can turn into avalanches of love.
And it’s snowing…