Dissolving the meaning of my life

I have been trying to put a finger on how I am feeling lately,  often I turn to  Virginia Woolf when I feel this way . It is  scary how much I connect with her sometimes, how many times I have had that dream:  I fill my pockets with rocks, walk in to the water, let it reach my waist- turn around and walk out.   I linger at the waters edge, afraid of what is ahead of me, not wanting to return to what is behind me.

It’s not a dream about death for me, it’s a dream about life.  It’s a dream about coming to the edge and trying to figure out the way to go from there.  It’s about pushing yourself to the point of such darkness that you can literally feel the moment the light starts to stream back in.   It’s feeling the weight of the rocks weigh you down , then removing them and feeling so light you could almost float through the air.     It’s being in limbo and breaking through to the other side.

This time it’s not about the dream, it’s about these words:

I AM IN THE MOOD TO DISSOLVE IN THE SKY

~ Virginia Woolf

I keep saying I can’t put my finger on it.  I feel like I am in some sort of transition again in my life, oh,  but what if that is not it.  What if this time it is just me not looking for all the answers.

What if it is me exploding to  pieces and letting the particles of what is left dance in the sky.  No rhyme.  No reason.  No bounding towards anything or anyone.

Everything I have fought for, struggled through, come out from the other side of – it’s over now.   There are times I think that is the scariest part of all, knowing there is nothing and wondering if this is the end.   Is this what happens when you come to peace with your life ,what it was, what it is, what you had hoped it might be, what it will never be?

Some say our reason on this earth is to work through all our struggles, figure out all our demons, repair the mistakes.   I thought perhaps then,  after all that was done you would be given the chance to live the life you dreamed of, but maybe that is the dream?

To take all that you are right here and now and dissolve in to the universe that is presented in front of you now.  Nothingness, that might turn in to something?  Then again maybe it won’t.

Maybe this is it, everything I tumbled towards- rolls away just as I reach it.

Everything solid and set in stone crumbles and turns to dust.

Everything you thought you were here for is nothing as it seems.

Maybe it’s murky tangled water you are wading through.   Maybe it’s so crystal clear you are temporarily blinded by the reflection of light off the  water.

Maybe it’s not always about something, maybe the nothingness is the reward?

You never had control, or did you?  It didn’t matter if you figured it all out, or did it?  You created your own struggle, or did you?  It’s all as it was meant to be or is it?

Perhaps it’s about turning from the water’s edge and releasing it to dissolve in to the sky.

No answers, but then again no more questions.

 

girl on beach

 

 

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