Y’all come back now, Ya hear!

Well we made it, my cousin ended up going and I got to the airport in time, WELL SORTA.

If you started reading this wondering what the hell I am talking about please refer to: When I didn’t think this trip was going to happen

The Hurricane in Mexico was just hitting and the weather was affecting all travel in to Dallas, so our first flight was canceled, but my super travel cousin went  in to ” Travel overload mode” and quickly booked us an earlier flight, I asked, well basically told work I was leaving early and off we went…..TO SIT.   That is right the flight was delayed 3 hours , so we basically flew out at the original time we were supposed to.

Then when we got on the plane, we were informed that Dallas had just issued a ” No land zone” for the entire airport , so it looked like we would not make it anyway….and then, just like that , they lifted the warning and off we went.

It was the WORST flight I have ever been on, it was something like taking a box of cheez- it’s and shaking it full force for TWO HOURS straight, that is right I think my insides were now in a million little cheese- it’s pieces when we landed.  Of course my cousin didn’t think so, as she calmly walked off the plane like she was walking out from a two-hour massage and I just wanted to hug her and say ” We made it, and I love you, and let me tell you all the reasons why, but first I have to call my kids and tell them I love them and that I ALMOST DIED on that plane and they really are the best things that ever happened to me even if Motherhood sometimes made me bat shit crazy and they might think differently.”

Here is my synopsis of our trip.

WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT TEXAS IN GENERAL:

  • It DOES rain there , if anyone ever tells you they ” never get rain”…they are liars.  It rained for five days straight, I was thinking maybe with all that turbulence on the plane we accidentally flew in to Seattle in its rainy season-  but then my cousin was there, and her boyfriend and their neighbors and there were Texas stars everywhere- HOLD ON, is my name Dorothy?  Aunty EM is that you?  Is this house actually still on top of the wicked witch ?
  • I live in MN, when people speak of us they often say we are Minnesota nice.    I am telling everyone who has ever said that to  visit Texas.    If you think we are nice?  Seriously those people have nice wrapped up in to a silver package , wrapped in a gold bow and sprinkled with freaking  nice dust.    They  do things like- Thank you for visiting their stores, ” Thank you so much for visiting our store today, we are so glad you are here.”…I had to peer over my shoulder to  see if Miranda Lampert was walking in behind me and they were rolling out the red carpet for her.   Here in Minnesota we are lucky to get the clerk at the counter to look up and mumble under their breath when we walk in.   And we really are not that nice, I will tell you all a secret, we hibernate for six months out of the year, you have NO IDEA how crabby we are in the winter, because well, we never go out.    I never ran across any crankiness anywhere in the state of Texas..not in the stores, not at the airports, not in any of the people I met.     Is it because the sun shines all the time? ( except for when I am there).   Or is everyone in Texas on happy pills?   Either way, will Y’all  spill the secret?

Here are some other odd facts I learned:

  1. The following games are much more fun when you add Liquor.  Cards against humanity and Heads up ( especially when you realize that Heads up is recorded on the I pad and the replays are funnier than the game itself.

2) Everything is scarier in the dark:   Seriously , the difference between the following scenario’s played out in my mind in darkness versus Light that happened this weekend.

Turbulence in a plane

plane

  • When it’s LIGHT:  It’s a plane, remember it’s like a car hitting a pothole in the road- they are air pockets, it’s okay.   Look, look at those beautiful clouds , and the sun is so bright, the towns below look just like my Grandpa’s train set he had set up when I was a little girl… perfect little squares with perfect little tree’s.   Just little bumps in the road, just keep looking out the window at the wonder of it all.
  • When it’s DARK:  This fucking plane is going down, seriously a pothole in the road?  I call bullshit, I mean if my CAR went over this many potholes at this rate of speed on a continuous two-hour time period all the tires would fly off, the car would roll, the gas tank would puncture and we would all be up in flames.   Why aren’t people on their phones placing their goodbye calls to their family’s?    I am going to die , tonight , in this cold , dark sardine can with a hundred other people and I won’t even have a last glimpse of anything out my window because it is too freaking dark.

When you think someone is trying to break in to your cousin’s cabin

window

  • When it’s dark ( and what ACTUALLY happened).   If you awake at 3am in the morning to a sound that resembles three masked men outside the front door, shaking it violently trying to get it – and your cousin’s are downstairs and you are alone in the upstairs bedroom by yourself and the dog starts to go CRAZY barking and growling the following things go through your mind in about three minutes.
  •  Should I hide under the bed?  Oh my god what if there is a rattlesnake under the bed or a scorpion – is that better than dying at the hands of three masked men wielding axes?  ( Yes, they are now holding axes).
  •   Should I turn the light on?  Hell no don’t turn the light on, then they will know you are up here, if you don’t turn on the lights maybe they won’t even notice there are stairs in this place and then they will only kill your cousin’s and not you- WHAT THE HELL is the matter with you, you just let your cousin’s get killed and only thought of saving yourself.
  •  Wait, there is a balcony off the bedroom, if you go out there now and jump two stories and run to get help you can save everyone- GO…..GO….my legs are frozen, I can’t move.   THIS is how my Mother felt when she read in cold blood while alone in that house with me in Iowa, I am NEVER reading that freaking book, I mean if I even  make it out of here alive.
  •   Suddenly you see lights coming from OUTSIDE the cabin, shining up in to your room and you think this is it, those bastards are still outside and they have not broken in yet- GO…you run down the stairs saying your cousin’s name LOUDLY….she is not in her bed ( they got her already)…and then you see the light again and the door is open AND ……………………………… Your cousin is outside with the flashlight and the dog because the dog apparently saw a wild pig and the noise you heard was the dog pawing on and shaking the window because it had a 3am craving some pork.
  • What I would have done in this same scenario if it was light outside.      Oh, someone is trying to get in, let’s walk down the stairs and let them in- after all it is raining and they are probably cold and wet standing out there.  DONE.

Basic facts I took away from this trip:

  • I love my cousin’s, they are generous , hilarious, strong, caring women that I admire and am lucky to have.
  • I really don’t like to fly
  • I think I may, possibly have some anxiety issues
  • I used to think I wanted to move out of Minnesota , but I figured out that for the first time in my life I really don’t want to go anywhere, I like being here, I like being close to my tribe, I like that I NEVER EVER have to think about Rattlesnakes when I go out for a walk, or scorpions when I crawl in to bed, or wild boars in the woods that come out to taunt you at night,  or mean ugly possums that might live under your house.   I guess those are the things you have to put up with in return for being around some of the nicest people in the United states when you live in Texas, but I will take my snowy nights, my northern stars, my fall tree’s and my 15,291 lakes. ( Yes, Yes, I know our licence plates state we are home of 10,000 lakes, we actually have 15,291 we  just don’t like to brag.)

The best part of being in an airport is watching people look up, spot the people that they love , lock eyes with them and run towards them until they fall into each other and you get to witness the best human hugs EVER.airport.jpg

I think I might have spent too much time in Texas because I swore when they hugged  I heard them say…..

I haven't seen you

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