There is a storm coming, I can feel it in my bones. Just below the surface, things are rumbling , I can hear the thunder, feel the heaviness in the air, the grey clouds are covering the eye of it right now, but it’s about to hit.
I used to be afraid of the storm, hide under the covers, close the blinds, turn up the music to drown out the sound. I would let the storm cycle and cycle but never let it hit.
I used to close my eyes and brace for it, stand face first, feet dug in the ground, arms stretched out on each side- braced to make the storm go around me- braced for it to hit me but never to let it take me down. Always I ended up being picked up and moved so far away from where I started I couldn’t find my way back.
I left so many people in my wake bewildered by the aftermath, they never saw the storm coming , there was no warning- just chaos and destruction everywhere. Damaged structures beyond repair, uninhabitable anymore.
I never set off the storm sirens to afraid they would run before it hit, I never gave them the option to ride the storm out with me, why would they? Who wants to stand in the middle of a storm they aren’t forced to withstand? Maybe, with the right warning some would have just chosen to stand on the other side until I made it through, Maybe some would have chosen to hold my umbrella and walk through the rains with me. Maybe…Maybe…is a word you can get lost in forever.
Now I let the winds move me, knowing there is a purpose in the slow methodical way they inch me further and further from what stirred them in the first place.
Now I watch for the way the wind is blowing and I surrender to it. I sway with it. I let it move me. I allow myself to be taken down by it.
Now, I embrace the storms because I understand their patterns and their purpose.
- I need to hide under the cover of the grey clouds , nobody can see through me, I am a mass of darkness that no light can filter through , solid in what I feel , sit with it, let it weigh you down.
- I need the Thunder to wake me up , to prepare for the damage
- I need the wind to whip through me: taking what I don’t need anymore, and tossing it far beyond my reach.
- I need the rain to drench myself in the feelings, slosh around in it for awhile, wash myself clean.
Once the storm passes, I can remove the boards from the windows giving them space to let peaks of light stream in.
The barometric pressure drops where it once just kept building and now it stabilizes.
They are break-through’s now, not total disasters. I know to prepare as much as I can so that the whole self doesn’t get taken down. I know that once I survive this one I will see the sun again, more brilliant than before.
I will never be able to tally up the collateral damage from the previous storms, I can however use the lighthouse I know is off in the distance to guide me and those I care about to shore again safely.