My conversation with my cousin this morning:
Her: What did you do last night?
Me: Nothing, ate chinese food, watched Netflix, had a dream that I moved to Iowa with my ex husband in to my dearly departed Grandmother’s house, Got a job at Wal-mart but then quit before I started because I realized they were only going to pay me $6.25 an hour. Left my husband in Iowa and moved back here.
Her: Which ex husband
Me: I can’t remember , that is the best part.
MY AFTER THOUGHTS TO THAT CONVERSATION
- Of all that shit in my dream the only question you have for me is WHICH EX HUSBAND? Really?
- How about the fact that I moved to Iowa? ( Wouldn’t you miss me if I moved there? Don’t you have any bad cow tipping jokes to tell me? Don’t you have the quote everyone else says when I mention that state : ” Why Iowa?”
- How did I even get in to my Grandmother’s house down there? Another family is living in it already. Did I just move in with them? Did I throw tear gas through the windows, run them out-of-town, only to live there for a day and then leave again? ( What kind of person does that?)
- What about the fact that I took a job and then failed to uphold my responsibility to Sam the man? ( Sam Walton that is , not Uncle Sam.)
- Notice how I thought first about my responsibility to Sam Walton who was going to pay me $6.25 an hour before ever giving thought to my two ex husbands?
I just had an epiphany of why I am not married anymore.
And now I realize why nobody ever asks me what I did last night, because even if I did NOTHING, which is what any other normal human being would have said. I turn my three-minute dream in to a ten minute read for everyone else….. It must be utterly exhausting being my friend.
I wanted to put it must be udderly exhausting being my friend to see if anyone would catch the spelling error, and then get the pun about udders and cows and Iowa, but I figured most of my friends would just be like ” Oh GOD, she spelled utterly wrong.” And that would result in an entire day of me getting nice little messages like ” hey, love you but ummmm, you spelled utterly wrong in your post today and I didn’t want you walking around with mud on your face or a milk mustache or anything.
And now, this is going to end up being just a huge Thank you to my friends and my family and my kids . Thank you for putting up with me. I love you guys, but I can’t promise I will never bring you to Iowa and then leave you there. I just can’t.