I was once a good Gamma, wait do I even have kids?

I was once a good Gamma, let me explain.

My first Granddaughter was my only grandchild for two and a half years.   I spent weekends when she was a baby just holding her and rocking her to sleep, singing Jewls lullaby Cd’s to her .  Every chance, moment, weekend I could spend with her I did, we were the perfect duo, like Sonny and Cher,  Bert and Ernie, Abbott and Costello, Thelma and Louise.   We have this mutual adoration for each other, she screams  with excitement when she sees me,  which is exactly what I want to do every time I see her.

And then her sister was born, and it went from the perfect duo to the three stooges  and we haven’t quite figured out the logistics of the new member.

Now add on the fact that her sister doesn’t like me much, I am not sure if it is my hair color, my glasses, the color of my eyes, the way I speak, but every time I pick her up she breaks in to a blood curdling scream that would scare the pants off of Alfred Hitchcock.

And so goes the following story of the first time I tried to be the new Gamma of two instead of one.

My Daughter in law asked to drop off both the girls at my place for just a couple of hours so she could do some shopping. ” OF COURSE ” I exclaimed.  And then this happened.

The MINUTE I look at  baby Granddaughter  she breaks in to a curdling scream- which does not stop for an hour- after an hour she stops for about 15 minutes at which time she projectile vomits on me, my shirt, the carpet- and then starts to cry again. During this entire time  2 year old Granddaughter is saying- Gamma, I want to go play on the playground, I want to go swimming- and because I can’t hear her or respond she then starts saying I want to go home Gamma, I miss my Mommy and Daddy.    *Secretly I want to break down and start crying because never in her tiny little 2 and a half years has she ever stated  that she wanted to go home or that she missed her Mommy and Daddy when she was with me, Is this what is going to happen now, now she is going to stop liking me, how will I ever survive this?

This goes on and on, baby screaming, two-year old sitting on the couch repeating, I just want to go home Gamma .    There is a break in the hysterics of the situation and I look at the two-year old and say” I don’t think baby sister likes me” – she gives me this very strange look while her bottom lip starts to quiver and says ” I yike baby sisser and Mommy and Daddy yike her.

OH GOD, she thinks I said I don’t like baby sister ( and now she is going to tell my son that Gamma doesn’t yike baby sisser- and I will be banned from ever watching either of my Grandkids EVER again)

I say,NO GAMMA said I don’t think that baby sister …..OH never mind.  Back to melt down, We all three start crying.

At this time even though I have been given strict instructions not to take the kids out in the sun because they don’t have sunscreen on , I figure what the hell, I am already banned from them anyway after the above conversation happens between the 2-year-old and her parents …so I say Ok, let’s go play on the playground, just let Gamma go change her shirt as I have sour vomit all over it from the baby being so upset that she puked her entire last bottle up . *  I am sure she is starving at this point also- another scoring vote for me in the Gamma of the year contest.

We head outside with no stroller, so I am carrying the baby while trying to spot the 2-year-old on the playground equipment *because the last time I had her at the park I almost broke her leg, but that is another story. 

Now lets add in a sudden phobia of bugs from the 2-year-old so that every time she sees a bug she screams ” GAMMA GET THE BUG”.  * We are outside people, in a playground plopped on top of wood shavings, do you have ANY idea how many bugs that attracts?

I am holding baby trying to keep the sun out of her eyes, spotting 2-year-old from falling off the stairs, swatting at bugs, praying 2 hours is almost up because I am now seriously talking to myself saying- * Are you sure these are your grandkids?  I mean you really suck at this, did you really raise two kids who survived until they were old enough to have their own kids, how did that happen, you can’t even handle TWO HOURS.

I snap and say OK, off the playground, we are going back in.   I am now pacing back and forth on the road with both girls and my Aunt shows up , Oh that is right we have dinner plans.

My Aunt and my two-year old granddaughter become fast and furious friends and play together for the next thirty minutes until my daughter in law gets back to pick up the kids.

I hand the baby over to her Mom and ask the two-year old for a hug and a kiss goodbye, my once best buddy shuns me, seriously swats my hand away as I reach out to hug her.    However she runs to my Aunt, hugs her tightly while glaring at me with one eye as if to say *You have failed  miserably and now I have replaced you with someone else, I hope you can live with yourself.

After the girls leave,I go to change my shirt quickly before My Aunt and I go to dinner.

I look in the mirror at the disheveled mess I have become , I think the last two hours have made me look ten years older, but that is not the worst part….I look at my shirt, you know the one I changed in to before bringing the girls outside , It’s TOTALLY SEE THROUGH!

see through No, this is not me nor am I claiming I look anything like this with a see through shirt on, I just figured if I was going to reference a see through shirt in this story, I may never have the chance to do that again, so I am posting a picture of what I WISH I looked like in a see through shirt. ( Your welcome).

Now try to focus on the rest of my story: I have been wandering the playground and pacing the streets of my neighborhood  flashing everyone… I walk out of the bathroom, look at my Aunt harshly and say ” why didn’t you say something to me about my shirt being see through?  To which she replies : ” I was, I was going to tell you that was a hot look for an old Grandma.”

This is why  I ended my night crying in to two Key Lime Pie Martini’s , popping a Xanax and mumbling about how I once was a good Gamma.

weeping drunk lady
This is actually more of what I look like on an every day basis and not just when I have been drinking and taking pills.

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4 thoughts on “I was once a good Gamma, wait do I even have kids?

  1. That’s hilarious, the Flasher Grandma!…lol. I love your aunt’s comment, she sounds like she’s got a good sense of humor.
    On the bright side, kids have short attention spans, and this week’s Evil Grandma may well become next week’s Good Grandma. Any chance the two year old will help hold or entertain the baby, so that the baby’s attention is not 100% on you? Too bad you can’t have your aunt take care of the Projectiler so you could enjoy the 2 year old.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s not one of my finer moments, and I am sure the neighbors are still cackling. PS, this actually happened a couple months ago and two year old loves me again, baby- still completely confused and frustrated by my existence.

      Like

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