I was cleaning out my office space today when I ran across a letter I had written to my ex husband.
The more I read it , and re read it, I believe it was not so much a letter to him, but a letter to me.
I changed nothing in the letter but addressed it to myself this time instead of to him.
I left, you are right.
I had my own problems to work on and through, my own guilt, my own shame of what happened in our relationship, our marriage , the demise of it. The shattering of both of us.
It took me a year and a half – a year and a half of pain you will never understand, of darkness and shadows that haunted me day and night. It took me taking a long hard, cold look at myself and my demons.
In fact I have felt more pain during this than I have ever felt in my life, and trust me I have felt a lot of pain.
And then it took all my strength to forgive myself .
To learn from the mistakes I made with you, with us.
I had to dig down deeper than I have ever dug in my life and rip open my wounds and pour salt on them.
I did it damn it, and the me today is a far wiser, better person than the me five years ago or a year and a half ago, or twenty years ago. Because for the first time ever I allowed myself to feel everything.
I have been shattered and broken, a million little pieces of me scattered in a million different places. It took me a year and a half to go back to those places and pick those pieces of me up, dust them off, re-shape myself and put myself back together.
You don’t have to keep reminding me that I left.
I know I did the leaving.
You don’t have to keep reminding me of the mistakes I made.
I know I made them
You don’t have to point out my flaws
I know I have them
You don’t need to shame me anymore
I have done enough of that for both of us
- I have dealt with my demons , I don’t wish to return to visit them .
- I want only now to put one foot in front of the other, until black and white begin to color in again.
I give it all back to you , I am handing it over, you want to hold all the anger and the reasons and the justification that it was all me, you can have them.
Just remember at the end of the day it is still the same outcome. It’s still over and there is nothing either of us can do about it now.
I wish for you a life of happiness, love and laughter. I believe I had all that with you once, so I am going to gather up that part of us , put it in my backpack and walk forward with it.
The rest I have laid to rest in the darkness.
I have delved in to the deep , dark, ugly places you wanted me to go with myself, I believe now that was the lesson I was to learn from you.
You taught me well.
My lesson is over.