Recently while driving to my son’s house , I was minding my own business when a car passed me that had a Pure Romance decal on it. And then the following thought went through my head.
“Is that the same as saying ” I am adventurous and will try new things in the bedroom?”. OF COURSE IT IS.
Then I got to thinking about how much I hate on-line dating , you can spend so much time searching profiles, e-mailing people, talking on the phone, only to meet them in person and have no connection.
So I had this thought- CAR DATING. I like it, you buy decals of all the things you like or that interest you and you stick them all over your car- STAY WITH ME PEOPLE
Each side of the car is decalled differently:
On one side all the things I want the men to know about me, or trick them in to believing, I know it’s dating and we are all so honest and everything.
The other is what you are looking for in a man, or vice versa.
If you are a male and are reading this, which I am pretty sure I have only met a handful of men that will read more than the tag line on the news scroll- so your probably not a man if you have made it this far. But wait, if you are I probably just offended you…sorry, keep reading.
Here is a sample of my car in the ” car dating scene”.
THE SIDE THAT EXPLAINS WHAT I WILL BRING TO THE TABLE, and how men will process them in their heads- because we all know it can be black and white in our world and 40 different colors in theirs.
A Tastefully simple decal *She can cook- pretty sure that speaks volumes and I don’t need to say anymore.
My Grandma always said the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach. ( She was catholic and so being proper was important, but my Grandpa watched plenty of Benny Hill, so I picked up the underlying message there).
A Thirty one decal * Damn, she is organized or she sells those bags and started doing it about 5 years ago when it just really started to get noticed and now she is a director and stays at home with our kids- the kids we haven’t had yet and makes a shit ton of money, oh and she serves me dinner with a whiskey on the rocks when I walk thru the door at night.
Norwex and Amway *This chick likes to clean : I can have all my buddies over on the weekend, we can tear the place up, play cards, drink, smoke cigars, leave our dishes all over the place ( I know to some of you this sounds like a day with your man every day) she won’t mind picking up after us.
It works *Hmmm, this is the company that sells those wraps that make you skinny, I like skinny chicks and if it doesn’t work on her we could experiment in the bedroom with the leftovers.
Pure Romance * She’s adventurous in the bedroom, she is willing to try new things , open to adventure and do I have some adventurous ideas- DING DING DING, this is the girl for me.
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CAR THAT EXPLAINS WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR IN A MAN AND A SIMPLE DESCRIPTION OF WHY:
Harley Davidson * I want a cowboy on a steel horse, nuff said. ( insert Bon Jovi song here) Leave out the dead or Alive part, because I really prefer my men alive…..and now I am inserting a link to this song, because when is the last time you really listened to this song? It could totally be the theme song to car dating/ or dating in general. Stop, have a cup of coffee and really listen to words. I can hear it now blasting over the loud speakers in the car dating parking lot of love,
Man Cave * He can use the BBQ and he is not afraid to cook.
Scentsy * Scent is VERY important when dating, after dating and just in freaking general, for instance, if you smell like a horse barn, I will not date you- period. (Now if later on after I really start to like you , let’s say you sell your business and can’t find work and you have to go work at a horse barn for a while to make some money to pay for the Harley, then you are Grandfathered in and I will keep you around, but I will still make you take your clothes off in the garage and hose yourself off outside before entering the house.)
Wine shop at home * He can just keep pouring me wine: When I am happy- pour me wine. When I am sad- pour me wine. When I am pissed at him- pour me more and more wine until I peacefully flutter off to sleep and forget what I am pissed about.
****Side note, in the morning don’t remind me that I snored and kept you up all night that will just start this entire vicious circle all over again. Pick your battles wisely.
Pure romance * That is right, after taking me for a tour on the Harley, making me dinner and pouring me wine – Well, let’s just say this isn’t my first ride on the Merry go round , after all that he will be snoring before he hits the pillow and then , well – a girl has to do what a girl has to do.
My Grandma is now in heaven shaming me and saying 40 hail Mary’s , my Grandpa is looking disgusted , just to please my Grandma while really only paying attention to Benny hill on the Television and giving me a high five , behind her back when I walk by.
Now you might ask how does all this work ( or you might not) I will answer anyway.
We all meet every Friday night , like at a classic car show, we show up in our cars, pull out our grills and our chairs and sit next to the car we own.
In shifts we wander around all the other cars, slowly walk around each side, if we ” like” what we see on the side of the car that explains the ” owner of such said car”, then we stroll around to the other side to the things they are looking for in their perfect mate.
If we actually make it around to both sides of the car then we meet the owner of the car right away and get a visual.
We have now gotten a tour and a visual of the person in approximately 5 minutes, say you like everything: you hand them your card and after the Car dating is done for the night you meet over at the tent, where they serve liquor and have a bon fire going.
This is it people, there is not that long drawn out date by email for 2 weeks, meeting at a bar, the whole conversation in your head, ” should I eat, should I not eat, should I drink, how many is too many if I do drink, should I talk about my past , should I not say a word about the “2nd” husband, but mention the first , you know so that he” thinks ” I can commit because once you get to the fact about the second one then they ” know” you can’t commit.
If you connect with anyone – BONUS you know have something to do for the night, maybe even the weekend.
If not, you still have one another’s business ( car dating ) cards and someday he might hire you to come clean his house, and you might need a good BBQ man for your next birthday party you throw yourself , because you still have not met anyone and so you have to throw your own party, but at least there will be good food.
There you have it friends, the next big thing in dating. See you at the car hop: Until I meet the right guy and we settle down and get married and then we disappoint each other and find out that none of the stuff on either of our cars is who we really are and we get divorced, in that case I will see you in about 5 years at the car swap.