I have always followed the rule ” Live and let live”, yet never allowed myself the freedom to do the same.
I was taught from a very young age to put others before me, to always think of everyone else first and then yourself, to make life better for others, to always remember what goes around comes around, that you should not talk about what makes others uncomfortable, even if it is what cures you. Suffer in silence, work it out on your own, own your shit, but don’t share it. Stuff it, ignore it, put on your happy face, don’t be cruel, kill them with kindness. Don’t cry, show mercy for everyone else, but show none for yourself. Forgive others, but think long and hard about what you did wrong and make it right.
I was taught this and I passed it along to my children. But all along I have known there is danger in keeping silent, of giving what you don’t feel is right but doing it anyway for the sake of others. Of hushing your inner self and eventually succumbing to the silence only to suffocate .
We are not all here for the same reasons, so spending your entire life trying to conform and make peace with everyone else is a bitter pill to swallow – and it will only get stuck in your throat. We are here to blaze our own path, we will have followers and we will be followers. Be passionate about what you believe in, you can’t always stand on neutral ground. You have to pick your own direction and follow it, or you will get stuck on the roundabout on this road we call life.
I am sure I confused my children in this process, I showed them how to put others first and then when it got to be too much I showed them how to run back and forth between what I knew was right for me and what I thought I was supposed to do.
I want to take it all back , I know I can’t- what’s done is done and now my demons have left scars on their souls like the demons of my past have on me. I want to tell them to stop NOW- You are important, what you feel, what you have to say, all your emotions, good , bad and otherwise have a meaning and a place and it’s not okay to hush yourself. Your going to have people who don’t agree with you, that don’t like you, Your going to do amazing , wonderful things in this world and you’re going to fuck up a lot , you’re going to hurt people you never wanted to hurt, and your going to protect those that won’t do the same for you, your going to say the wrong things and do the wrong things- DO THEM , do them all, feel them all so that you know YOUR wrong from right, make your inner voice louder than everyone else’s .
Don’t put yourself in the strong hold of what everyone else thinks you should do , this is YOUR LIFE, take it – or if you have already lost it take it back now, don’t wait until it’s to late and you run out of time to find yourself again.
Have enough faith in you to make the right choices for yourself even if everyone else is screaming in the back round to do something different. And then show that same respect you have for yourself to everyone else. Your going to love some and dislike some, it’s okay- surround yourself with the ones that appreciate you for who you are and do the same for them. Filter out the rest, walk away- they will find their own tribe, their own safety, their own sanctuary, we can’t all belong to the same one.
I know I taught you differently, I know I confused you in my battle against myself .
I have lived my entire life trying to be the blanket, the solid sturdy one colored blanket.
I really prefer to be a quilt, tiny little pieces all a different story, ripped apart, clashing colors, stitched together at the end to be uniquely one of a kind – ME.
Blankets get put on a shelf and forgotten about, Quilts get hung up on the wall to be admired and remembered.