Dating backwards

How do you date backwards?

It’s a question I have been asking myself for the last year now, Who thinks like that?  I do, so here is my question explained.

When I was young I dated like this:

I saw a boy, a cute boy of course- my kind of cute, probably not yours.   My hormones kicked in and nothing would stop me from making him mine ( such a silly statement, but truly how a 13-year-old thinks, or at least me when I was 13, probably for you around 16, I blossomed early).

We would hang out , go on dates: not really,more like steal liquor from their parents because my Mother never had any in the house, hang out by the river or the park , go to a party.  Things teenagers did- I should probably tell you I was a bad teenager, or I wasn’t the teenager that played sports and got great grades and other parents looked at and said – “Why can’t you be more like her”, I am quite sure no parent EVER said that about me.

No, I was the girl in the smoking lounge at school ( yes, we really had them and don’t judge, smoking was cool back then).

I was the girl who jumped out of 2nd story windows to spend the night with a boy.  Good God, I was a Heathen.  Anyway back to dating backwards:

Everything back then was based on looks and chemistry, come on you know it’s true, you did not see the A student who worshiped his mother and say ” gee, I would really like to date him, I bet he would treat me nice”.    You saw the hot guy that looked like Dallas Winston from the Outsiders and thought, now there is a guy that will be hard to get, and gee, I haven’t had a good challenge in a long time.  Pretend he is a wild horse, see if you can break him.

You got to know each other AFTER you were together: like an arranged marriage, arranged by hormones and alcohol .  You were already in it when you started to discover each others bad habits , little quirks , and other big problems we won’t get in to right now.

NOW, well now you are older and lets face it , at almost 50 the little fairy we call “menopause” has burned all your hormones and scattered them at sea, so you don’t often have an ” instant” connection with someone.   Now add in the fact that you have been through so much and you have a list of bad habits you won’t put up with again or ever.

The list goes something like this: I will NOT date anyone who

Drinks too much:, can’t  hold down a job,  has no sense of humor, , has young kids,has no kids, is a slob ,has a psycho ex wife, has never been married, has been married too many times,  is tight with their money , has a lot of money but are snobs, lives more than 40 miles away, lives next door, is a Republican, is a  Democrat, does not support gay marriage, does  support straight marriage ( I don’t want to get married again so I don’t need that impending pressure), never wants to be with you, wants to be with you too much, …..etc….etc….etc.  I could go on all night but eventually I have to stop thinking about this or I will jump off my deck.

So here you are with no hormones and a ” don’t want”  list longer than Santa’s life of ” want” lists.

Now, let’s throw a curve ball in there, just for the hell of it.

Your heart.      It’s still broken from the first time, the second time , the third time.  It’s still asking you why you would ever want to put it out there in the open, hand it over to someone, trust anyone with it again. ,It got you in this mess to begin with and you should NEVER trust it again,  when you think about loving someone again thoughts come to mind like :

I would rather:

Get a root canal with no penicillin on a day when the only dentist is an alcoholic and is going through withdrawals, thus the tremors he is having while he is coming at you with a drill he is about to put in your mouth.         Go skydiving in Arizona and land ass first on a cactus.         Stick my head in a tub of water filled with rats, with garbage hanging out of my mouth.        Dance naked in front of people who saw me naked in my thirty’s ,that really know how far gone this shit is now.

And then your heart says this:

What about Sundays at the park, scrambled eggs at midnight, making love on the beach or an abandoned farm ( I will not confirm or deny that either of those ever happened).  Holding hands, looking at each other across a crowded room and thanking god you get to go home with him tonight, being kissed on the forehead, eating dinner on the deck by candlelight, Snowy winter mornings in your pajama’s : Fireplace lit, books on the end table, a roast in the oven.   Road trips, snuggling up skin to skin after a long hard day.  Someone saying they love you and believing it.

I don’t know how the hell to date backwards but suddenly I want to figure it out.



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