Searching for you at the dimming of the days

lost

I always search for pictures to go with my posts, I believe like words, pictures and songs can say things that we sometimes can’t find the words for.  When I went to search for a picture to go with this blog I typed in ” feeling lost”- and the picture at the top of this  post came up, My Mother’s favorite place to be is at the North Shore of MN on Lake Superior: this picture hauntingly looks just like the shores of Lake Superior, the rest of the picture I think speaks for itself.

I had a dream last night, half awake , half not.

Laying in bed I had these visions of saying goodbye to my Mother, but it wasn’t in death, it was like a movie scene.

I saw her as a child walk behind the clouds, then as a teenager, then in her thirty’s when i was her daughter and she was my mother, I watched her walk away: she turned around and waved to me.   Then I saw her as my Mother and the Grandmother to my children , she stood there for the longest time looking at all of us as if to screen shot each one in the bank of her memory and then she vanished.

I kept yelling for her to come back and then I realized I couldn’t reach her anymore, she wasn’t there anymore .And then, she appeared again as she is now, an empty shell of what she used to be , like the clouds took her soul but left the shell here on earth.    I don’t know what to do with the shell, it frightens me because I can’t communicate with it , I can’t connect to it, I don’t know what to do , where to go, how to be with this shell that used to be my Mother.

I want to run and hide until she comes back, I look up to the sky to see her again, in any form but this one, to ask the old her what I am supposed to do- she was the one that gave me all the answers , she is the one I went to when I was lost, now she is looking to me for answers and I am failing her, I don’t have the answers, She is lost and I can’t find her.

She has never failed me , never left me abandoned to roam lost and afraid, yet that is what I feel I am doing to her now.

I don’t know how to say Goodbye to the woman I knew, and I don’t know how to save the shell of her that is left behind.  She would know what to do if she was here and I could just ask her, she would have the answers for me.

I thought I would scroll my Facebook pages and find some funny story’s about my mother before this illness took her from me, instead I found this which explains exactly how I feel :  This one’s for you Mom, wherever you are, I hope you come back- I miss you.

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One thought on “Searching for you at the dimming of the days

  1. Lyrics
    This old house is falling down around my ears
    I’m drowning in a river of my tears
    When all my will is gone you hold me sway
    I need you at the dimming of the day
    You pulled me like the moon
    Pulls on the tide
    You know just where I keep my better side
    What days have come to keep us far apart
    A broken promise or a broken heart
    Now all the bonny birds have wheeled away
    I need you at the dimming of the day
    Come the night you’re only what I want
    Come the night you could be my confidant
    I see you the street and in company
    Why don’t you come and ease your mind with me
    I’m living for the night we steal away
    I need you at the dimming of the day
    I need you at the dimming of the day…

    Liked by 1 person

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