I always search for pictures to go with my posts, I believe like words, pictures and songs can say things that we sometimes can’t find the words for. When I went to search for a picture to go with this blog I typed in ” feeling lost”- and the picture at the top of this post came up, My Mother’s favorite place to be is at the North Shore of MN on Lake Superior: this picture hauntingly looks just like the shores of Lake Superior, the rest of the picture I think speaks for itself.
I had a dream last night, half awake , half not.
Laying in bed I had these visions of saying goodbye to my Mother, but it wasn’t in death, it was like a movie scene.
I saw her as a child walk behind the clouds, then as a teenager, then in her thirty’s when i was her daughter and she was my mother, I watched her walk away: she turned around and waved to me. Then I saw her as my Mother and the Grandmother to my children , she stood there for the longest time looking at all of us as if to screen shot each one in the bank of her memory and then she vanished.
I kept yelling for her to come back and then I realized I couldn’t reach her anymore, she wasn’t there anymore .And then, she appeared again as she is now, an empty shell of what she used to be , like the clouds took her soul but left the shell here on earth. I don’t know what to do with the shell, it frightens me because I can’t communicate with it , I can’t connect to it, I don’t know what to do , where to go, how to be with this shell that used to be my Mother.
I want to run and hide until she comes back, I look up to the sky to see her again, in any form but this one, to ask the old her what I am supposed to do- she was the one that gave me all the answers , she is the one I went to when I was lost, now she is looking to me for answers and I am failing her, I don’t have the answers, She is lost and I can’t find her.
She has never failed me , never left me abandoned to roam lost and afraid, yet that is what I feel I am doing to her now.
I don’t know how to say Goodbye to the woman I knew, and I don’t know how to save the shell of her that is left behind. She would know what to do if she was here and I could just ask her, she would have the answers for me.
I thought I would scroll my Facebook pages and find some funny story’s about my mother before this illness took her from me, instead I found this which explains exactly how I feel : This one’s for you Mom, wherever you are, I hope you come back- I miss you.