Me back then has a conversation with Me today-

girl on swing

There is a lot of talk these days about who we were before the world and life changed us, how we can actually re-train our brains to think like they used to when we were young and innocent and un affected – I have been thinking about it so tonight I thought I would have a conversation with the younger me and answer myself as the me now.

Me age 5: Look, a PUPPY!  I want to play with the puppy, he is so cute.

Me Now-:Oh god, if I pet the puppy then I have to wash my hands and will it look rude to the owner if I pet the puppy and then ask for hand sanitizer or ask to use the bathroom so I can wash my hands.   Dogs:fleas, hair all over, muddy paw prints, muddy carpet.   What if he bites me, what if he hasn’t had his shot, rabies shots, they are the worst- isn’t it like 25 HUGE needles in your stomach, yea I think it is.  Walk away, just walk the other way.  WHEW, I avoided that like a BOSS.

Me age 10: It’s so nice out I am just going to lay right here in the grass and look up at the sky

Me Now– Ahhh, this is beautiful.   Is that a wood tick crawling on me, god I hate wood ticks what if I get one on me and then I don’t find it until tonight and I am all alone and I freak out by myself because I can’t stand woodticks and then who is going to take it off of me?    What if I get lyme’s disease, that shit is nasty , it makes you super tired all the time and Christ I am already really tired all the time, can you imagine being MORE tired than you already are.  Get up, get up out of the damn grass already.

Me at age 15: I am going to grab my radio and a magazine and my baby oil and go lay in the sun all day.

Me Now: I am going to go grab a book, my hat, my 50 spf sunscreen, and just go sit by the pool in the shade for like an hour,just me hanging out reading about that girl who lost her mother to cancer and then walked the pacific crest trail by herself driven by angst and grief……  I have been here for 10 minutes, I wonder if I have enough sunscreen on my nose, I have already had part of it removed from skin cancer- if they take more I am going to need like MAJOR plastic surgery and who can afford that shit,I can’t – does insurance pay for that or do they consider that unnecessary and they just make you live forever with no nose.  What if I end up looking like Michael Jackson.    Get your ass back in the house, draw the shades – don’t even look at the sun.

Me at age 20: I can’t wait to have kids ( ok…I added a few years for dramatic affects it was NOT cool that I had my first at 17, just ask her, she will verify this )

Me now: Oh god , I am so glad that shit is over.  All the running, the getting three people ready in the morning, getting them dressed and fed and off to daycare, or school and then rushing home to feed them, do the laundry , clean the house, do the homework, give them baths, make the school snacks , get up at 5 am on a saturday to take them to speech meets.   It’s a damn good thing I had them so young, because if I had waited…I don’t know, I don’t know if I would have had kids.  Of course I would have, but that is seriously the best conversation to have with yourself- like you would have just “gotten smarter at 25” and decided not to have them- whatever.

Me at age 30:  Okay, so you got divorced, it’s okay, everything happens for a reason.

You learned all the lessons you were supposed to learn, like how you don’t ever want to live like that again, how you will never be the co-dependent one EVER in a relationship again.  You will not take care of everyone else, this time you will find someone who wants a partnership, a relationship, someone you work together with.   Someone that shares the same goals and dreams.   Let’s do this, you’re so ready for the right one.

Me Now: You will never fucking learn.

Me at age 40: The kids are grown and gone, it’s your turn now to live the life you always dreamed of.

Travel, read, take baths, SLEEP IN, go spend the day at the park , have sex on the kitchen counter, drink all night – stay up to greet the sun, have brilliant conversations with people , change the world, write a book, meet a guy, the right guy- go on a sandals resort vacation make love on the beach, swim naked in the ocean.

Me now:  I lived in that house with that man for 3 years and never ONCE did we have sex on the kitchen counter- We didn’t  have the money to travel the world , we were to busy paying for the house and the cars and the lawn mower.   Stay up all night and drink? Greet the sun? Go ahead I dare you, and then be deathly ill the entire next day, spend that sunny afternoon in the bathroom puking.    I can’t write the book or read the book, I am too busy drinking-Hello!

And , the Sandals  vacation turned in to a road trip up to the North shore on a honeymoon in which you invited your best friends to come join you: that was freaking fun tho.  Did you even have sex on your honeymoon?  Shut up- just shut the hell up.

Me at age ( almost 50) :Present day Is this it?  Did I go through all that shit to end up here , now , alone.

I should move, go somewhere and just re-invent myself , buy a villa in Tuscany: paint, make wine, read, write.  Watch the sun come up every morning with a cup of coffee and bid it ado every night with a glass of wine.   Wear white linen dresses and beautiful hats while strolling the streets of Tuscany , have a love affair….

And start this shit all over again- NO FUCKING WAY.  It’s 9:48,that xanax kicked in,grab that book WILD, crawl in to bed.

Will you never learn?  

God , I hope not.


8 thoughts on “Me back then has a conversation with Me today-

  1. Ah this is seriously one of the best posts. So hilarious in that way that’s also touching and slightly sad, and so so true and relatable. I am definitely this way too- I very much miss the innocent approach I used to have, loving everything about life. Once fears creep in it starts to change my perspective on how to interact in the world (like your reaction to puppies/sunlight/laying in the grass) Not sure if this comment makes sense, but the point is- this was a very lovely, refreshing thing to read that made me feel a bit less alone in the world. So thank you!


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